Getting to Forgiveness: Making Marriage More Meaningful

Sally sighed dramatically. “Fred, dear,” she said, with more exasperation than she’d intended, “would you please pick up your clothes before you leave in the morning?” “That’s it,” Fred thought. “If she treats me like a child, then she can just stay here by herself all day while I go out and earn the money that keeps us in the house.” He looked at her, shook his head, and stormed out of the house, leaving Sally in tears. Throughout the day, he didn’t respond to her texts and calls, but he finally returned to the house late that evening.

Have you ever been part of a domestic scene like this? Whether you’re on the giving or the receiving end of this kind of discord (or maybe you’ve been at both ends, truth be told), you know how much it hurts. God’s goal for us in marriage is oneness. That oneness includes emotional intimacy, physical union, and spiritual connectedness. However, marriage is made up of two imperfect, willful, sinful people. Misunderstandings, differences, and disagreements are inevitable and predictably normal. The way we approach these conflicts often determines the depth of oneness. Let’s take some time to consider an approach that has support from the Bible’s teaching, with several key points that can guide us from the moment of conflict all the way through to resolution and reconciliation.

What might Sally and Fred find if they were to peer into the Bible in the midst of their difficult day? How might they approach one another if they want to repair the conflict? Ephesians 4:31–32 says, “You must put away all bitterness, anger, wrath, quarreling, and slanderous talk—indeed all malice. Instead, be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you.” These words are foundational to our faith and instructive in how we are to treat each other when conflict arises. Sally and Fred are past the point where they could have chosen not to take on the attitudes in the first part of that verse. But the attitudes in the second part give us the perfect healing response to the conflict that’s already in motion.

Still, you might ask (as Sally and Fred may likely ask, too), “Surely there’s a limit to the number of times I can be expected to resolve a conflict before it’s better just to call it quits, right?” Let’s go to Scripture again. In Matthew 18:21–22, we read, “Then Peter came to him and said, ‘Lord, how many times must I forgive my brotherwho sins against me? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘Not seven times, I tell you, but seventy-seven times!’” In other words, don’t keep count, because we are to forgive in abundance! Both Fred and Sally remember these verses but don’t know how to proceed to address the conflict—or perhaps they know what they need to do, but they don’t feel like taking that bold step yet. They have some hard choices to make.

In the middle of the conflict, both individuals have roles to play in addressing it—and each role begins before they see each other again. Fred left that morning, clearly angry at his wife. He has a choice to stop fueling the frustration that ignites more anger and creates more emotional distance. His other decision is to begin some personal reflection on his actions and consider how to repair the relationship. Sally’s part is to be open to his efforts to make things right and to prepare her heart to forgive. It’s important to note that she can offer forgiveness without receiving an apology from Fred. When Jesus instructs us to forgive, he doesn’t indicate that an apology is a necessary condition.

When they are finally face-to-face, the words they speak are perhaps less important than the demeanor with which they present themselves. Humility is key, and it will be felt before any words are spoken. Fred needs to demonstrate a humble posture, willing to take responsibility for his wrong response. As for Sally, she will have to humbly receive Fred’s approach, even if the situation has occurred more than once.

There are varying degrees of intensity in situations that lead to conflict. Some situations may be minor and easy to get over. Other conflicts may be huge offenses and will require more attention and practice in showing mercy. The depth of the pain depends on the meaning we have assigned to the offense. When both minor and major conflicts go unaddressed, the marriage’s closeness may suffer a serious break. Unresolved conflicts from our past, along with a lack of genuine forgiveness, may cause us to overreact to seemingly small offenses. These wounds can leave us vulnerable to overreacting

For Fred and Sally, and for all of us in these conflict situations, a clear path of dialogue exists to reach forgiveness, and it includes the following four elements, proposed as guides for pursuing reconciliation instead of a linear prescription.

Accountability: Each person must fully accept responsibility for their actions, without resorting to excuses or finger-pointing.

Apology: Depending on the graveness of the offense, an apology may sound like, “I was wrong. I am sorry. Will you forgive me?” Saying something is better than saying nothing at all.

Amends: Sometimes the offender’s behavior may be quite egregious, and just saying “Sorry!” is not enough to cover the consequences of the conflict. In addition to our remorse and apology, we may need to take consistent, conditional actions over time to rebuild trust in the relationship.

Acceptance: If trust has been deeply marred, the offended may have to articulate what acceptance looks like for them. The hurt individual will have to let go of the desire they may feel to inflict pain or hold onto bitterness. In order for the couple to walk in love, forgiveness will need to be offered.

If there is great pain involved, getting to forgiveness may take some time. Dialogue is a slow, calm conversation full of listening, sharing perspectives, listening, understanding, and, yes, more listening. The exchanges around the elements above intertwine to lead to true forgiveness. The decisions made through the dialogue pave the way for oneness in a deeper relationship.

Let’s imagine Fred and Sally are now on their way to restored harmony in their marriage—but let’s also look at our own hearts and review what we’ve learned. Setting aside our willfulness and admitting sin’s ugliness means allowing ourselves to be fully seen. Because we have been forgiven by God, we can do the same for others. That act is foundational to our faith. Extending forgiveness to each other creates a holy space between a husband and wife. It is one of the sweetest and most deeply intimate experiences in a marriage. That sweet act softens our stony hearts by the blessing of God’s unconditional love.

“We love because he loved us first” (1 John 4:19).

Note: Fred and Sally’s story represents a committed marriage with quarrels but no physical abuse. Some relationship conflicts may require professional counseling. Seek advice from a pastor or counselor.