A Healthy Approach to Resolving Church Conflict

Eric, why don't you tell people your assignment at Bent Tree.

So, I was serving at a church as an associate pastor, and the church experienced some incredible conflict inside – staff members, etcetera. Ended up in a church split. And for anyone who's gone through a church split, you know the heavy emotional toll that it takes. And even some question their faith through the process; they question the Church; they question God.

And there I was, having gone through an experience of deep conflict, to the point of concern over death threats and things of that nature. It got serious. And I took a little retreat with my family at the time. We went to Estes Park, Colorado, one of my favorite places in the world. And I said, "Okay, God, if you want me back in that environment, you need to make it very clear to me."

And so, as I was submitting myself to his Word and studying and praying, one morning I looked up, and I saw a double rainbow. And I said, "Okay, God, you want me to head back." And that was my promise, to head back into that church environment. And for another year-and-a-half, there was great reconciliation with the church experience there after that split.

It was a few years later that my father-in-law, who lives up in Colorado, said, "Yeah, double rainbows happen all the time up here."

I said, "No, that's my promise."

But I was pointed to conflict through experiences with the church. I'm a PK, grew up a pastor's kid, and I think my first conflict coaching advice came when I was about nine-ten years old. I remember one Sunday morning, after church, we went out to eat, and me and my little sister was on one side of the booth, Mom and Dad on the other side of the booth. And I overheard Dad talking about the deacons that day.

And I said, "Well, Dad, if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen." I have no idea where I heard that advice. I no longer use that advice, but it seems like I've been surrounded by conflict and situations in the Church my entire experience.

Typically, it is born out of an individual's desire to go a certain direction with the church, whether that's a leadership position or someone who is a high-caliber volunteer who wants something done and it's not moving as quickly as it needs to be. There's something that's motivating that individual to pursue a desire.

And Scripture teaches us that we have desires of our heart. Right? And so, what is that? The challenge, though, is to learn to delight yourself in the Lord in reference to those desires. So, a lot of conflict that happens in the church are actually born out of our desires. And the challenge is – and part of that litmus test – is to determine whether the desires of our heart are for our own benefit, our own comfort, our own wants, or is it a desire to honor and glorify God in that?

What – let's do it this way; let's start at the beginning – what advice would you give to pastors or, for that matter, to elders or deacons, about how they work together in leading the church that can help them deal with the conflicts that inevitably come up when dealing with an organization.

And so, what are the preemptive things necessarily to make sure that there's no shrapnel? And that is starting with the individual involved – individuals involved. And so, I would say start at the heart, prepare your heart, understand other people's perspective.

It's easy for us, as leaders, to know what we want and to know how to get what we want. It's a challenge for us to be able to pull back a little bit. We get so myopic on what we want that we forget to pull back to see the eternal value of the direction that we need to go or the input that we get from other people.

So, as pastoral and ministry leaders, we really need to pull back to see the eternal perspective and remind yourself that you can become myopic. And so, a series of questions to ask yourself is, "Am I listening to other people? Am I allowing others to speak into this?" And even more importantly, "Am I allowing myself to listen to what it is that other people are speaking into this situation?"

And so, the challenge, before the grenade goes off – I mentioned it's preemptive – in this case it's redemptive. And so, the redemptive points are what I'm gonna camp out on. What's God's heart toward you? What's God's heart toward this other individual? And it may be groups of people and usually is.

In the process, this person has probably alienated themselves from a whole series of people, including the senior pastor of the church, several people on the staff, several people who run some of the Bible studies where these materials are involved, etcetera.

That's not the only dimension that's happening. I just found out recently that this person is concerned about their children who are now thinking about walking away from the church now that they're at that age. And the first thing that popped in my mind is, "I wonder how much this conflict going on in the church contributed to the fact that they are ready to walk away.

I suspect that there are situations that you've walked into in which the dispute has been about that kind of a scenario, where the church is going off in a certain direction, and the feeling is the church's teaching is not in line with what I might expect or something to that affect. Have you had those scenarios as well?

When – and really, this has many angles. You've got the person who's making the complaint. You've got the staff reaction to the complaint being made and all those dynamics. You've got the people who are executing the studies. This is one that's – it's like dropping a rock in a lake. It has ripples.

Begin with the individuals. You have an individual who is disgruntled or has a complaint or, at the very least, a concern about the direction the church is teaching. A series of questions for that individual is what's motivating those concerns.

All of us have a filter. And he is filtering his concerns through something.

So, but the point is, we're entering into a dialogue in which part of the goal is to get the person to reflect on what they're doing. And I suspect one of the other steps is to reflect on perhaps what they're not aware of that they're doing in the midst of doing it.

And so, the questions that are being asked of the individual with the concerns are to help the individual make sure that their motivation and their purpose in bringing this out is for an intrinsic desire for truth. And if that's the case, then how it's presented is critical.

And so, providing some guidance to an individual who is "dogmatic" – and that's a strong word – and very sincere in what they believe is the right thing to do, and heading in that right direction, I would challenge them to define for me and clarify for me what you believe Scripture means when it says, "Speak the truth in love." What's that concept for you?

And I'll provide some coaching along those lines. What does it mean to speak the truth in love? Well, believe it or not, the truth part we get really well. And it sounds like this individual gets the truth part really well.

So, relationship is of utmost importance. And so, that's why I ask people to affirm the relationship, which requires them to do a self-assessment on what they believe about that relationship and that angst that they may have in their heart.

Can you sit shoulder to shoulder and worship with this individual? And is it really a matter of trust of the leadership and the direction they're taking the church, in light of the truth that you want to share with them, or is there something about you wanting to prove them wrong, or see them fell, or what is really at the heart behind what you're presenting?

And as you present it, affirm the relationship, even if it is – you acknowledge that they're in a position of authority over you in the church. Speak the truth in love. Say what needs to be said. Affirm the relationship again. A concept of not allowing an incident to stand between an existing relationship is key.

Here you are exercising – teaching gifts and teaching responsibility in the church, and someone in the church comes to you and says, "You're not teaching the right thing." What advice do you give to staff preemptively as they face this kind of situation?

And then I would say avoid the pedestal syndrome. Avoid placing yourself in a position mentally of thinking, "Hey, I've gone to seminary for all these years. I've got this degree; I know the languages; I've studied this. My blood, sweat, and tears went into this, and you're telling me that it's wrong." Avoid the pedestal syndrome. Kick that pedestal out from under you and acknowledge and actually celebrate the fact that this individual desires truth. That's a healthy thing.

So, bite the tongue, pray, discern Holy Spirit's prompting as to what direction you need to have the conversation go. He may prompt you to ask a simple question. He may prompt you to engage in dialogue, to listen to points of contradiction. So, that would be the immediate counsel I would give is to be available to listen. But that's easier said than done. Right?

So, let me explain what I mean. I think you probably have a clue, but let me – so, the person says to the person issuing the complaint, "I hear you. I get what you're saying. We're doing something about it." Okay?

And then, when they actually go to implement this, in the perception of the person making the complaint, other than the correspondence that's going on between them, little or nothing changes. So, what's communicated verbally to the person making the complaint is distinct from everything else that person is seeing going on in the community. That seems to me to be a recipe for potential problems.

I have a hard time with that statement, because as I look at Scripture, nowhere in Scripture does it say, "Put your trust in man." It says, "Trust in the Lord. Trust in the Lord your God. Trust in God."

Now, we are to be trustworthy, but we are never to be individuals to whom people put their trust. We are always to point people to put their trust in Christ. And it's gonna be that trust in Christ that's gonna pave the way for reconciliation and restoration.

So, there's a coachable moment and coaching opportunities to help people come to an understanding that if you're putting your trust in me, or you're putting your trust in the leader, it's misplaced trust.

Those are the factors that are influencing that ripple effect, influencing the children. They're picking up not only on what you say, but they're picking up on the cues that you're giving, because you're not getting your way, or you're not getting your hearing.

"Well, if my parents are upset at the church, then how am I to engage the church? And if the church is wrong, then what's – is my faith wrong? And what's this all about?"

And it can really rock a child's faith.

And the stuff that we've been talking about just between the individuals now has expanded and exploded, if you will, to involve people who maybe even before weren't aware this was going on, and now the pressure to figure out, "Which side am I gonna fall on," and that kind of stuff, you've got all those dynamics in place. Right?

Let's take a look at it from this way. How do you – how do you begin to stop – I'm gonna call it a cycle; I don't know what else to describe it as, a pattern maybe – what can be done to diffuse the bomb that's building?

And maybe we ought to talk about this from the individual side and then from a staff side and wrestle with – and then we'll come to the, "Okay, it's exploded now. That's a different scenario; how do you put that back together?"

So, let's do it in two parts. How do we diffuse the buildup in a situation? If someone senses that's going – what's the right kind of response? I mean obviously we've talked about listening better and questioning your own motives and that kind of thing, but is there anything else we can do to add to that equation?

And so, that's the challenge for the staff is to allow the mindset shift that this isn't someone just spouting off a concern. But in the process, let's look to see how and if something that is being brought to our attention needs our attention for change and being willing to take that.

In one sense, the dynamics, it strikes me, are the same, and in another sense, this is a different game.

One of the questions I like to ask is what's at stake? If you as spiritual leaders of this congregation do not come to terms with what you need to deal with, what's at stake? And I've heard answers from everything from reputation, credibility, all the stuff that you would normally here, but rarely do I get the right answer.

What's at stake is the witness of Jesus Christ. That's what's at stake when our leaders are in conflict. And that's what drives me to engage and help them see that this is a heart conversation just as much as it is a hard conversation.

So, there are – there may be three questions that we're wrestling with here; I'll try and keep them separate for you so that we can work through them. Okay, agree to disagree.

And so, agreeing to disagree is one of those that you have to be discerning about. It's – there's not a – there's not a litmus test for that. It's – there's not a way to really say, "Okay, if this, then this." And so, it's gonna be the Spirit's moving in your heart to prompt you to be discerning as far as deferring.

But ultimately, it comes down to you're myopic. You're seeing what's right there in front of you. What does it mean to pull back and see the eternal perspective of what's going on in three years from now? Five years from now? Ten years from now? Twenty years from now, what significance will this conversation have on God's purposes for his kingdom?

Asking that question, in light of the discussion that's happening now, will help you give that perspective of eternity.

The relational issues are the ones that are gonna be timeless. It's something that's gonna be developed.

The answer is, "Yes."

There are so many variables that go into answering that question, and 90 percent of 'em are unknown variables. And a lot of times those decisions are made on feelings and perceptions rather than the truth and realities.

And so, the challenge in answering that question is, once again, going back discernment. If – and the litmus test earlier, can you sit shoulder to shoulder and worship God in this environment, knowing what you know about those that you work with, serve with, do life with.

So, I'm gonna hold you to coming back at some point in the future and discussing kind of the resolution side of this, 'cause we kind of analyzed how it breaks down pretty clearly, and using some examples that hopefully help people to catch the dynamics that sometimes may be going on that can lead to the breakup of a community that's not healthy, and to have them pause and ask, "What possibly can I do differently if I'm in that kind of an environment that might keep that cycle from devolving to a point where it's destructive?" So, I thank you for coming in and chatting with us about this.

And we thank you for being a part of The Table today and look forward to having you back again with us soon.