Nurturing Your Family in a Tension-Filled World

And so our passion at Living on the Edge, even though we kind of do teaching, and then we take just extreme effort to get people in small groups. So we've launched about 160,000 small groups in the last three years and then created resources to coach people, because we think life change really happens not 'cause you just hear it or know the truth, but in the context of community, applying it, holding each other accountable, loving each other, places where it's safe. Then we get people on mission and say, "Okay, 24/7 where God planted you." That's what I'm all about and it's a thrill to be here.

Let's talk about Christian family and setting a right tone for your kids. I think the best way to do this might be to just move through the phases of life, if you will, rather than just dive in. So let's talk first about the family that has really little kids and setting the right tone for the home, for a family that, say, has toddlers and kindergarteners and that level. How do you get started in setting the tone for what a house should look like?

So in those toddler years we really tried to set some things up that we wanted, sitting around the table and eating together and talking. Putting your kids to bed and reading them stories. Making very few rules but having clear boundaries where you help the little ones understand, "This is right. This is wrong." Understanding intellectually, they can't grasp all these concepts. You don't need to explain a tone of things.

Now, I'll tell you something that we didn't do well. I'm not a big eat around the table person. I tend to eat in the living room. And so we tended to be real informal about the way we structured that. I think I'd do that differently if I had a chance to start over again. But you're right, when they're young it's important.

And here's another question that often comes up, how much should a parent say it's the churches job to help with the kids as opposed to my job? 'Cause after all, they're the professionals.

It's not just we read a story or eat together. You're playing games and you're talking. I was really committed, because of my background of not coming to Christ, that it was going to be an exciting adventurous fun place to live in my house and also very Word centered.

Of course we did sabbaticals in Germany, which put them in German schools and second language, so that was a whole nother kind of experience in which they – they were learning German at eight and nine and five. They were learning German with kids from Serbia and Bosnia. That was a completely different kind of experience. That's something most people don't get the chance to replicate, but what it did teach our kids is the world have no boundaries. You can go and function anywhere, and that was a very, very valuable experience.

Okay, let's talk about the black hole years. As they grow up and they hit the edge of elementary school, begin junior high, hit the teenage years, my description of a teenager is you go from being at the top of the ladder in terms of greatness to way, way down the list. A kid often times enters a black hole, although our kids were good as teenagers. Then somewhere in your 20s you recover. When they hit their 20s, you recover. You may not get back quite to the level you were when they were real young, but they begin to respect you again, and when that happens, don't ask how it happened or why, just be grateful they've come back.

So let's talk about those hard years, oftentimes the teenage years where kids are facing tough choices and parenting is tricky, because you're trying to give them space as they're finding out who they are and yet at the same time you've got to be there for them.

So I think you need to be really strong in terms of, "These are the boundaries. I love you. You can never do anything that I'll stop loving you. But you can't have your own way." The culture, it's not just out there, it's in the church. And so I was the worst parent in the world according to my kids at times. "Dad, what do you mean we can't play that video game where people kill –" We don't do that here, and here's why. And music issues. And so we were never legalistic about this makes you right or this makes you wrong, but we made our home the place that was fun, the friends came over.

I lived in Santa Cruz where they think Berkeley is too far right. So we had a world where multiple sexuality, the trisexual, bisexual speakers were in all the public schools. So my kids were bombarded with things, but they learned to own their faith. But you need to have sort of that open communication. And I think when you set boundaries, make them few, but enforce them. And you just keep loving them through it. We had some, compliant personalities, they sailed right through. And I had one son, that I mean no matter what I did, how hard it was, he's look at – "Is that all you got?" So I just think it can be tough water at times, but you persevere and you love them and you model it.

I tried to help my kids early on develop some time with God, and so the older we got it was more of – the expectation is they would meet with God on their own and we would talk and discuss it. So it wasn't sort of this – the older you get, the more top down you are, the more they reject it. And often it was brief, but very interactive. And then that's what our kids saw us do, and so most of them early on developed that habit and I've since kind of read the research that if you walk with God personally and your kids early on get in God's word for themselves – I was way more excited about them meeting with God privately than us saying, "Five out of seven times this week we have this holy moment."

And that whole traveling team, weekend thing, you talk about a black hole. I've seen whole families that walked greatly with God. There's a lot of vicarious ego going on there. There's a lot of money spent that people don't have. And I watched people work all week and then literally wear themselves out for two days, all day Saturday. We've got to go to this game, this game, this game, this game. Very unwise.

And I will tell you what it produces. It produces kids that don't believe God is the primary aspect of their life. It produces families that get pulled apart and people that honestly really thought that their own self-esteem had a lot to do with how their kid kicked the ball or made a basket. Now we played sports. My kids played different sports, but they really understood, our world's not gonna revolve around your youth sports or your traveling team.

And so we did an experiment. We said, "Let's try on a school night what it's like not just to watch TV." Well we were – I mean we were on each other and everybody's irritable the first two or three days. Well, then pretty soon we're playing a game on the floor. Then kids are bored, so picks up a guitar and someone goes to the piano, and then pretty soon, my lands, it's 9:30 and there's nothing to do. So might as well go to bed at 9:30 or 10:00. Well, you wake up at 5:00 and you're fresh and you gain a couple hours.

So our kids ended up, during the week – that experiment sort of got sustained and we ended up finding these hours in the day where they did those kind of things, but we had a lot of time as a family because we really didn't let – especially during the week, the electronic stuff dominate your home.

And so, one, we taught them early on. We really spent time when they were young and talked about the areas of sexuality, appropriately. So it was sort of, again, letting out the string. And we talked about, "This is what you're going to experience." A young man, when you have a wet dream, this is what's happening and here's how God's made you. Our daughter, when you're developing. And then it was pretty soon, this is because God has something special for you. And we tried to picture the adventure and the joy of what God has. Some were easier than others.

Then I think those issues of sexual purity were not about, "You can't do this. You can't do that." You either parent out of fear or out of faith. I think what you've got to parent is out of faith and say, "You know what? Your sexuality is precious. It's a gift. It's wonderful. It's good." Now we have research about the bonds that occur actually in the brain. And so you want your kids to understand it's something that's holy and so therefore, here's how to prepare for that.

I remember my one son in college who came home in tears, dating a girl, great Christian girl, and literally saying, "Dad, how do you ever stop lusting?" This was real life. But he said, "You know, I've though about this." We sat on his bed and I said, "Son, let me tell you about my college years. Let me tell you where I struggled." Your kids need to understand that you've been there. You've dealt with – there's not something wrong with them.

We've been through the time where they meet that person and they're convinced they're the right person. And you and your wife – or you're a single parents and you're sitting in bed alone going, "They marry this person, this is gonna be a train wreck." And yet, they're 21 years old, 22 years old. One of the things I think you always want to do is have those people in your home. That whole environment where you get to know them and where you can keep talking about what's going on. This isn't clean. I just want people to know –

And there's just really hard times where – I remember with my daughter at one point. I said, "Honey, I really love you." And she said, "Dad I just want you to bless this. He's a godly guy and etc." I said, "Honey, I would love to, and I've prayed. I've fasted. I love you. I'm for you. But your life vision is this. And his life vision and history is this. I'm behind you 100 percent, but I can't be dishonest with you." We were in tears. We had about a nine-month period where we'd always been really close and it was, "Well, dad, you're welcome to your opinion. I'm 21 years old. I'm a junior in college."

Boy, what a hard time that was, and yet it was like this. But at the end of the day I think our kids, they'll make wise decisions. They might not always be the ones that you like, but it is a journey. I just want people to understand, there's not some, "Oh, if you do this little formula –" Now, by God's grace they married well.

When you're clothed and in your right mind and prayed up, you need to look your kid in the eye, and you need to say, "Honey," or, "Son, I need to tell you something. I love you very, very, very much. But this decision or that relationship is breaking my heart. You can go down that – you're at that age. You can make that decision, but I'm gonna tell you that the consequences of that decision look like that, and it's gonna be painful. And I'm for you and I love you, but I have to warn you."

And we'd been through this journey for like three-and-a-half years. I remember saying, "You know, son, I think I've taught you all I can. Your mom and I love you, praying for you. If you're at the point where you want to call all the shots in your life, I want you to know that you also get all the responsibility. So if you can figure out how to make a living, food, find a place to live. But you have a decision. And the decision is whether you agree or disagree you can live in our house with a good attitude. You don't have to believe anything I believe. But you won't wreck our home. Or you can move out, and I'll give you 48 hours to pray about that." Now you don't bluff with this kid. At all. And so that was a tough one.

He eventually came out of his bedroom about three days later and there was a real change, but he was so manipulative I thought, "Yeah, we'll see how this goes." And we went through a journey. To be honest too, I felt like of all my kids he's probably wired a lot like me. We're both intense. Both strong leaders. I feel like a lot of his was insecurity and hurt, and as a young dad afraid to fail, I was unintentionally throwing gasoline on the fire of his strong will. so I was pretty stupid at times as well. But it was – and he was very rebellious.

Anyway, there was a real turning there and God did an amazing work in this life. He later became a worship pastor and after that started writing Christian songs that we all sing. And our dream as parents were, "Oh, God, help Jason just not be in the ditch." And yet that perseverance, that strong will – later on I said, "Jason –" As a pastor you're thinking, "Was it that message." And you know what, he actually wrote a song about it. He said, "Dad, here's what it was." He said, "You weren't worried about me embarrassing you in church. At home you and Mom are the same as outside."

And he said, "When tears flowed down I realized this Jesus means so much to you and Mom I really had to take a second look. And down deep what I realized is I think I wanted to see how far I could push the boundaries. And I found out how far and the thought, I realized, 'Wait a second, what really matters and what's really important.'" He said, "I had a couple days or wrestling. Is there a God?" He owned his own faith. That was a big turning point, but it was really hard. Because it was – it's what we said. It's one thing – you know, you put up a stop sign. But there's times where if you go through that, you're not only gonna slip, you're gonna go through a guardrail and you're gonna go over a cliff.

Like in my case, if they're 12 years old and I've got to go on a trip and we're gonna go to Africa, "Son, strap it on. Here we go." And were in dangerous place, but what they saw was we have turned Christian into being a nice person and trying to control their morality so they don't mess up, make us look bad and we have all these milquetoast – we're revolutionaries. We're counterculture revolutionaries. You want to train warriors to make a different, and a great offense is the best defence.

Well, let's talk about – we've talked about teenage years. Let's talk about – and we've talked about preparing for the mate. Let's talk about when things change. When your child is now a full-fledged adult and you're there. 'Cause in one sense even though scripture says they go and they make their own home, you're still their parent. I'm still Mom and Dad. We've still got Mom and Dad in our house as well as Opa and Oma. I'm called Opa and my wife's called Oma. Those are German names. How does parenting change when you're no longer the parent?

Again, I'll use my son. We've been using our kids as illustrations. I have a son who is pursuing sports law, and he had an internship at one point. He's in New York City at Saint Johns University, and he had an internship with the New York Rangers. And I urged him, "You've got to network like crazy, 'cause this is a great opportunity. You can't believe all the people you have the opportunity to meet. You've got to followup etc., etc." He's a 20-year-old. He's shy. Networking is not a concept he's into. He's not there, etc.

Well, four years later he's looking for a job. He doesn't have – he hasn't networked appropriately, etc. So all of a sudden the issue becomes, all right, how do you network? "I get it. I didn't get it at that time. Now let's think about how we do it this time." And to get into that kind of place with your kids is a – it's a wonderful place to be if you can get there.

I want to shift gears slightly, 'cause we've talked about our own situation. And of course in our situations we're dealing with there's a mom and a dad and you've got an intact household. If I can say it that way. But there are a lot of people who will be listening to us who are trying to form a Christian home, but it's not an intact family.

And I will tell you, I watched her live a life as a single parent where there wasn't support. There wasn't people around. I mean, I don't think there's a harder job in the world than a single parent. And a single mom with teenage boys is the recipe for the hardest job in the entire world.

Now we got to start early and the biological father was – never been in the picture. But I would just say to those people, you have to go to – and this is where the body of Christ shows up. You've got to get the support and the strength of fellow believers in your life to help give your kids what you just can't give them. I mean, there is a design here and the great majority of people now, I think it's 23 percent or 26, of America is that intact family you talk about. So the great majority of people listening –

A lot of people are alone for reasons they're not quite sure of. But a lot of mistakes made in the last relationship, unless you really get healthy and get whole, this sounds so – I don't know how to say this, but I've just been around this corner so many times. Get your heart and mind fully filled and get healthy with God and God alone. And then look for resources in the body of Christ. Then move forward if God has an open door and there's biblical grounds for a new relationship.

I can think of an English teacher in the sixth grade who affirmed my ability to write and think that was very important in my development. She's just another person out on the street other than the fact that she was my sixth grade teacher. Or a coach that I had in high school as I was on junior varsity who I was around all the time. Actually, this is really interesting. I actually didn't know that he was a Christian until after I became a Christian years later. And yet, everything that he did was designed to encourage the kids that he was coaching from Christian roots, but he didn't wear it on his sleeve, and so you just didn't know. In some ways I think that was a little sad. I wish in some ways I had known.

But the flip side of it is here's someone who impacted me who – I had a father who traveled a lot. He was out of the house maybe 200 days out of the year, and so here was someone who represented a father figure when I was growing up when I didn't have one. I didn't grow up in a Christian home, so it was an important hole to plug. I think we all have people like that. So the opportunity for that kind of support to come out of the Christian community is important, 'cause it'll come from somewhere. It will definitely – someone will fill that role.

And my wife would have dates with god three or four nights a week. Put hose kids to bed and sing and pray, and when I met her it was like – my background, I'd memorized all these verses and had this head knowledge. And when she talked about Jesus, he was like in the kitchen getting a sandwich. Oh, she would look at me and go, "Oh, God will never do that." "What do you mean?" "Well, he's not like that." She had this heart relationship that grew out of the body of Christ helping her and helped her with her kids.

I think sometimes it's the humility of saying as a single mom or a single dad, "I need help." Or realizing everyone is married in this group but me and I feel uncomfortable. Go to the small group and let that family create a place for you and your kids and realize you have things to offer. We sometime think about we need to help the poor. I've got news for you, we need the poor as much as they need us. Our need to give, our need to share, our need to realize it all comes from God is very much as important as people receiving. And the same is true in relationships. It helps couples to be able to take someone into their family and they can do some things that you can't. But it takes some vulnerability and some initiative and sometimes that's very hard.

And I think we all want – we've lived in a – we're in a psychological world now, so we've taken all the Bible terms and we've made them therapeutic terms, and I think at times, people – it's not like, "Oh, if I really love God, everything's gonna be magically okay." But there's a passion and a tapping into the Holy Spirit living within you that is for you and loves you. And God wants to help people. I think somehow we skip over that.

I know that's very, very simple. But sometimes I think we make it too complicated and think if I don't have a degree in psychology and if my kids aren't in the best schools. You read all these stories both in past and today, amazing leaders have come out of very difficult situations. And God wants parents to know, listening today, he can do that in your kids regardless of where you're at.